


Catnip Tequila

by TheVillainousNoble



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Alcohol, Crack, Humor, M/M, NSFW
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-28 20:30:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10838874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheVillainousNoble/pseuds/TheVillainousNoble
Summary: Sebastian didn’t know what to do in his current position. His anger was slowly building up to a boiling point while his mind went through all the possible scenarios for how things went so wrong.





	Catnip Tequila

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this fic was inspired by CDawgVA and Ciel Star reading The Saxophone and some of the details were inspired by a compilation of drunk texts on 9gag.
> 
> In this fic, Ciel and Sebastian are two demons living by their own rules in the 21st century.

Sebastian didn’t know what to do in his current position. His anger was slowly building up to a boiling point while his mind went through all the possible scenarios for why things went so wrong.

It all started off with him leaving Ciel’s side for a moment. He did it before and never was there an issue on Ciel’s part. As a human, the boy sometimes couldn’t help but get kidnapped. As a demon, he could defend himself against petty humans who were looking for trouble. This time, however, when Sebastian returned to Ciel, he found the boy drunk. Ciel Phantomhive. A demon. Drunk. Sebastian just stood there, dumbfounded for the first time in his history-of-the-world-long life.

After a few seconds of Sebastian’s brain rebooting itself to process the information the demon was presented with, he asked his master why in the blazes he thought that getting drunk was a good idea. Ciel had tried alcohol before, but it was always just one glass of wine which he drew out for the entire evening for the purpose of seeming more approachable than anything else. Ciel’s answer? “Mah’ket... Tehst-ing.”

Sebastian just face palmed and shook his head. It was embarrassing to be seen in public with a hiccuping, slurring, and staggering preteen, so he took his lord home and proceeded to conduct research on how to sober up a demon. While Sebastian did that, Ciel wouldn’t just sit idly and do nothing, or fall asleep. No, the demon had a boost of energy. First, he messaged the least likely person he would ever message and told him to “comr ovet.” Who might that person be? Alois Trancy’s reincarnation, it would seem. No, there was no way it would be true. Trancy’s soul was eaten. However, this boy, Aron Cole, was an exact copy of that insufferable blonde in personality, so Ciel made it his duty to find out whatever secrets he held. On Aron’s part, he understood the drunk message as an invite for a hook up. So he brought along toys of various calibers.

He thought he’d get to use Ciel’s drunk state for sex and then black mail the bluenette, oh how he was wrong. At the sight of the sex toys, Ciel grabbed the longest dildo and proceeded to engage with Cole in a sword fight, constantly yelling “Yu’ killed mah parentz, Tranceh! Die!“

In the end, Ciel won and Aron Cole ended up with one of his largest toys down his throat. After that, Ciel sent out another message. This one to Gatwick Airport in London to know if it was safe and if he could plan for his private jet to take off. He waited for a response for about a minute, in his mind it lasted an hour, and then decided that he was “dumped”.

The messaging adventure did not stop there. It took Ciel about two minutes to purchase a triangle music instrument online. He also made sure to check it for full functionality by asking if the sound was “the ding ding”.

When Sebastian returned to his master’s side, he discovered Cole in his sorry state and asked Ciel what happened. At the time, the child demon was in the process of creating blueprints for a ship since he concluded that going to the Atlantic on a jet would not help him defeat Undertaker’s Bizarre Dolls and save Campania.

“But, master, that was centuries ago!“

“Sebasss...“ A pause was made during which Ciel wobbled a little. “Queenz ordrs.“

“Master... The Queen is no longer-!“

“Sshhh! ... It’s an orehdr.“ Ciel commanded with the index finger of his right hand raised in the air before resuming his job of making the blueprints.

Sebastian was beginning to have second thoughts about the contract. Before it was because he was bound to a demon for the rest of his life. Now it was because he was bound to a drunk demon, so far seeming for the rest of his life as well because he couldn’t find anything on drunk demons and he didn’t know how long this would last.

"Hey, Sebastahn,” Ciel slurred. “If you ‘hiccup’ poop at a church... Does it count as holy shit?”

Sebastian’s lips tightened.

“Hey... Az a deeemon, do you heer pehpl fart?“

Sebastian’s eyes widened.

“Do demonz fart?“

Sebastian’s lips pressed together into a straight line.

“Whatz i’ smehl laik?“

Sebastian’s left bottom lid twitched.

“Remember you fu’d that nun... And that tiger gurl?“ Ciel wobbled a little as he turned to face the demon, but stopped half way so he ended up standing with his side to Sebastian. “... All you injoories heahl... Does your foreskin... Heahl too?“ He staggered as he turned to face Sebastian fully. “Ohr is it... selecti-ve?“

At that, Sebastian inhaled sharply with his nose and took marching steps toward his master. Ciel turned back to the blue prints, looked at them, then crouched down shakily to get some box from under the table. When Sebastian reached him, he did not expect his master to stick a traffic cone onto his head sharply. While the confused demon tried to get the traffic cone off his head, which to his surprise was stuck in place, he did not expect to receive a sucker punch to his balls from a particularly small fist. As the butler doubled over, a thought of this being revenge for his ‘interrogation’ of the previously mentioned ladies crossed Sebastian’s mind.

The pain went away quickly, but Sebastian thought that a drunk Ciel was a dangerous Ciel. So he’d stay still, see how things turn out. While he did that, strange sounds of rummaging and moving of furniture sounded throughout the house. That’s when the demon decided it was time to resort to drastic measures. His eyes glowed red as he pushed the traffic cone off his head, the muscles of his arms flexing as he did. When it was off his head, he was presented with a sight he expected least.

In the entrance hall of the manor was an entire ship... Made of furniture and whatever else got under Ciel’s hand that he saw fit. Sebastian looked at the blueprints on the table and paled a little... His master was serious about sailing to the Atlantic.

What caught Sebastian’s attention next was Aron Cole with a dildo down his throat, the base of which stuck out of his mouth. He was tied to the foremast by his wrists and ankles as if he was crucified. Then he saw Ciel coming toward him with determination.

“Wait... Master.“ Sebastian asked nervously, not knowing what was coming but knowing that it was bad.

Ciel’s eyes glowed crimson. A moment later, a certain butler’s howl sounded so loud it could be heard in the forest, making the birds in the vicinity of the manor fly from their trees.

Now, returning to Sebastian’s current predicament. He didn’t know how it happened, just that he ended up being stripped naked and strapped to the ship as a figurehead. There was a traffic cone on his head, again, a traffic cone in his anus, too deep for his liking, and a sounding rod in his urethra that Ciel borrowed from Cole’s box of sex toys. There was a triangle music instrument attached to the sounding rod and hanging from Sebastian’s dick, the little metal stick attached as well. Even the slightest movement made the triangle ring and the sounding rod vibrate inside the demon’s dick as a result.

Sebastian was seriously considering murder. Then he remembered something. Ciel got drunk off of catnip tequila. When he staggered and wobbled, he reminded of a cat with a serious health condition. With a traffic cone on his head which hid Sebastian’s expression, the demon smirked darkly. His master hadn’t been showing any signs of possessing an animal form, but if any of these facts were signs, then Sebastian knew what that animal form might be. If Ciel’s irritable feline-like personality was any sign either.

**Author's Note:**

> Do comment and leave kudos~


End file.
